Sew Their Twats Up!

Feckless breeding is obviously a major cause of trouble - especially with a social system that rewards this behaviour with free housing and all the fags and booze necessary to exacerbate the problems.

Even the "Problem Family Tsar" has noticed.

The answer is simple - chop the bollocks off the irresponsible fathers, and sew the twats up to stop the women proliferating with yet more drunken absentee sperm donors.

The Penguin

Fuck You And Your Corporate Games!

That smug cunt "Lord" Coe has admitted that if you have been stupid enough, rich enough,  and lucky enough to actually acquire tickets to go and see fuck all at a distance at the Olympic Games, you wouldn't be allowed in if you were wearing a Pepsi-Cola T-shirt - because it would upset Coca-Cola, who have handed over vast sums to have sole rights to supply their disgusting and unhealthy burp-inducing sweetly-sickly fizzy drink.


Rather a long way from the "Olympic Ideal", innit?

The Penguin

"Very Nice Of The Soldiers To Help Us Out..."

Nick Buckles, CEO of the farcical G4S has apologised for the complete fuck-up over his company's farcical failure to hire enough security staff to cover their contractual obligations over searching every mug's handbag to see if they have enough money left ( after being ripped off for tickets and hotels) for a Muck-burger at the Olympics.

"We were awarded the contract 5 years ago, " he said, "I distinctly remember celebrating with some bottles of Krug, and of course it was taken into account when we awarded ourselves some hefty bonuses. Then I delegated it all to some junior intern, and we only found out the other week that he'd left to get a proper job with a salary.

Lucky there's plenty of soldiers doing fuck all who can be drafted in!"

The Penguin

Better Than Jesus!

"Look Out, Bob, He's Behind You!"

Gosh, haven't things improved?

Now you don't need to wait three days to resurrect yourself after being publicly crucified - provided you're very well connected and have some other cunt to take the rap.

However, I suspect that American Bob is unlikely to take kindly to having been made the fall guy, despite richly (!) deserving a thorough slapping. And he knows where the bodies are buried in all this financial shit.

It's going to be fun.

The Penguin

Pass The Fucking Onion!

 Jump? Not Without A Golden Parachute, Old Boy!!

Here's the brief statement (prior to the PR nonces rewriting it).

"It is with deep regret that I have decided to trouser the substantial pay-off and enhanced pension rights and resign a few days earlier than originally planned.

Although that American cunt Bob Diamond has right royally fucked up the entire Bank, he is the right man for the job  because he is signing my cheque as I walk off into a very comfortable retirement with a few plum non-executive directorships to help with the expenses.

Is that enough contrition?

Marcus."

The Penguin

The Sage Of Twickenham

"I predicted 17 of the last 2 recessions, you know!"

You just know that things can only go one way when the Sage of Twickenham weighs in with his great wisdom. Precisely the opposite to what the hypocritical old wanker says.

So we can look forward to a referendum pretty soon.

The Penguin